Since chatting to many different bloggers, if there is one thing I have learnt it is to share. I am ‘that’ person that worries about what people think, about being judged. Spending more time speaking with bloggers has made me think ‘Why?’ Why should I care about what people think of me?’
I was too embarrassed and private to share with people my experiences or upsets because I was worried about making myself more vulnerable. Usually to get anything out of me, you need to turn up at my house with a bottle of wine and box of chocolates, then after a large glass of wine I may start opening up to you.
So my main reason for writing this post is that I have decided to put myself out there and open up. I know that by sharing some of my experiences, there will always be someone that may feel either the same or something similar.
It’s a big deal opening up, especially to thousands on the internet, you never know who may come across this post. So where should I start?
At some point in our lives most of us will experience this. Whether you’re anxious about a new relationship, a social situation or maybe a decision you need to make. Anxiety can affect you in so many different ways and sometimes without you realising it.
There are some of us, like myself that suffer from this more than others. I have suffered from this as a young child but I didn’t understand what it was. I couldn’t understand why my heart beat so fast, my stomach churned or why I felt so dizzy in a room full of people. Growing up I went through Primary and Secondary school being forced into situations that made me uncomfortable. My hands would go clammy, I would start sweating, hyperventalating and sometimes have blackouts. It was clear that I got myself so wound up, I was a mess. I was too shy to tell anyone. To make things worse I was bullied through both schools which again I found too hard to tell anyone. They would only think I was making a big deal out of it.
When I turned fifteen I started to open up and talk to my mum about it, she always said it’s not worth getting worked up over, just calm down. She always did her best to take my mind off it but despite how much I smiled I still couldn’t shake it. I freaked out about quite a lot of things.
When I was taking exams we would get told only to look at our paper and infront, I literally would start to panic if I felt myself twitching! and despite studying for month’s, my head would just sit there spinning, I couldn’t concentrate and knew at any point I may just throw up.
Parties or social gatherings had me panicing at the thought of them, all of those people in one room. When I got there I always had to find somewhere to sit that was in a corner, somewhere that meant no one could come behind me and I could see everything infront of me. It was the only way I felt I could feel some control. When I got older, alcohol became my control, it gave me like everyone else a bit of false confidence whether that meant being able to walk by a crowd with my head up looking were I was going or going to the toilet on my own!
My anxiety did make me feel like I was almost reliant on people, I was often to scared to do anything alone and cared too much what people thought. I couldn’t even go to the local shop at the bottom of the road. It was ridiculous.
As I got older I began to force myself into uncomfortable positions which sounds like a ridiculous idea but I found it forced me to cope and learn. Yes on some occasions I almost blacked out, but I wouldn’t change it as It’s definatly helped me become the person I am now. I’m not suggesting its right to throw yourself into uncomfortable situations but taking baby steps may help you.
Coming out of your comfort zone will only benefit you.
Taking little steps has seen me make some outrageous decisions recently. Almost three years ago I met my partner and began a long distance relationship, a five hour journey on the train to see each other at weekends. A year later we decided to move in together, I’m not sure how I did but I moved down South to be with him, I took on a completely different job I had never done before without knowing anyone. Being 5 hours away on the train from my family who I am exceptionally close to was a huge challenge. I had the support from everyone and my closest friends. Unfortunatly what should be an exciting experience has so far turned out a real test to my anxiety. Within weeks of moving, my mother got very ill. Everytime I said I was going to move back she said no and she meant it, she only wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to try. I couldn’t cope being so far and knowing how ill she was. Everytime I rushed home when she was in the hospital, I kept being sick and blacking out because it made me so anxious. It developed into mum being in a hospice and staying over night. Then what I had prayed would never happen did, we lost her. My world fell apart after that. My anxiety went through the roof and I couldn’t control anything. I eventually admitted I needed help. I started taking anti depressants and seen a counsellor. A year and half later I am still living 5 hours away, I am still on my tablets but I am pushing to keep going.
Like my mum taught me, you have to keep fighting even when things get tough. You can’t give up no matter what life throws at you. It may make you wobble or slightly weak at first but you will get stronger. Even with these tablets I would never have been able to cope now if I hadn’t forced myself into some situations in the past.
So like my mum used to say ‘Chin up sweetie’ xoxo